Too early mornings

26 09 2012

To be honest, I don’t want to be blogging right now.

It’s 3:00 am and I don’t want to be thinking deeply.  I want to be sleeping soundly!

At this particular hour, I don’t want to be examining the condition of my heart or contemplating the condition of my soul.  No.  I want to be sleeping.  That’s what most healthy people are doing at 3:00 in the morning.  But not me.  I’m wide awake, tossing and turning, and now . . . writing.

Why?

Well, the reasons isn’t important.  What’s important is what I’m going to do about it.  What’s important is what am I going to do about wanting to controls things that are beyond my control?  What am I going to do about my unwillingness to let go of things?  What am I going to do about my frustration, my anxiety, my anger?  What am I going to do about my unforgiving heart?

I counsel people on how to deal with this stuff all the time.  And I can even preach a pretty good sermon about letting go and moving on, about forgiving, as I long to be forgiven.  So why can’t I do it?  Why are these kinds of feelings still lurking just below the surface, erupting when I’m tired, and bursting out when I’m the least bit anxious or overwhelmed?  Why, when I’m least prepared to deal with them, do they seem to take complete control of my soul, and lead me down paths I’d prefer not to go?  Why do they make me so sad, so restless, so . . . angry!  And of course, why do I allow them to keep me up at night?

Sometimes, I remember the words of the Psalmist and  . . . lift my eyes to the hills, or Peter’s challenge to cast my cares upon him.  Somtimes I can remember Christ’s call to love my enemies and to pray for those I’d prefer to hate.  Sometimes I can remember the things I’ve learned in yoga, and will breathe in goodness and grace, and breathe out anxiety and anger.

But other times, most times if I’m really honest, St. John’s dark night of the soul lingers too long, and morning comes way too soon.  And that’s when I find myself lying here, wide awake, and waiting, with angry thoughts and bitter feelings, with a heavy heart and a weary soul.

I’ve been told that joy comes in the morning.  I’ve preached that!  But maybe for me, right now, that’s not true.  Maybe for me, right now, it’s too early for joy.  Maybe for me, right now, I just need to . . . wait.

So . . . that’s what I’m going to do.  I’m going lie here and wait.  I’m going to pray and breathe, and . . . I’m going to allow myself to be angry – for just a little while longer.


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One response

26 09 2012
Kay Duplantier

Hey Bob, I could have joined you this morning. Anxiety and worry about things I can’t control and anxiety about forgetting something for this wedding that I am working so hard on. I was up and on my computer quite early -not as early as 3 a.m, but not long after – sending out inquiries, and writing notes to myself. At any rate, I wish you peace, as I pray for peace myself. And that little pray “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the WISDOM to know the difference.” (I hope I have it right.)

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